What Is Your Story Around Yelling?

Family yelling has an impact on us throughout our lives

By E. Quinones

Did you grow up in a household where yelling was common? Is yelling common in your household today? Is this behavior something you want to continue or do you have a desire to change it?

Growing up, we didn’t yell in our household. In fact, today, when someone raises their voice it startles me. Yelling only happened when something was detrimentally wrong and someone was in danger. At a young age, my mom decided that when she had children of her own, she was not going to yell around them. Her earliest memories are of her parents fighting. She doesn’t remember what they were fighting about, just that it was loud and scary.

I recently spoke with several people who shared the impact yelling has had on them. Several have deliberately chosen to break the cycle, but not all. One afternoon, I spoke with three sisters who grew up in the same household. Here’s their story.

Lisa immediately displayed visceral scars, before saying a word. The look on her face changed, her voice quivered, and she started shaking a little but she proceeded to share. “My mom yelled at us, all the time. It wasn’t always full-on screaming, but it was a raised voice of judgment and scorn. ‘What are you doing? What are you watching on TV? Where are you going? What did you say? Where is my change? I gave you money to buy these things and I know how much they cost so I should have more change. Where is it?’ I’m the oldest, and I took on a lot of responsibility. I would be thinking, Oh no! What did I do wrong? Mom is mad at me again. How do I protect the others? What do I need to do to make it stop?” Lisa learned to adapt her behavior in the hopes of avoiding the wrath of her mom. She learned to always be on edge.

Monica, the youngest sister, shared that she and her family currently attend weekly therapy specifically to learn how to communicate differently. Her oldest child is eight years old. She yelled at him often, just like she was yelled at. Presently, she is married to a man who doesn’t yell, and together they have two younger children. He grew up in a household that communicates very quietly, a stark contrast to her upbringing. It has been a struggle for them to learn how to communicate effectively. They are doing the work as a family because she believes that it will lead to a better life for all of them. A better relationship for her and her husband. A better childhood for her children. A more peaceful life for herself. She wants to break the cycle.

Before their mom passed, Lisa had conversations with her trying to understand why she felt the need to yell. “This is who I am. I talk loudly. I’ve always been this way. If people don’t like it, they can leave.” As she reflects today, it seemed like her mom felt the need to yell to make her voice heard in relationships. Lisa knew when she became a parent, she was not going to yell. Paying attention to other parents and observing how they spoke to their kids. She worked hard to parent differently. When she was under stress she would get the urge to yell at her kids in frustration. Memories would then flood in and remind her of the pain and fear of her childhood. She didn’t want to pass that on to her kids. Her kids are now parents. They speak kindly and lovingly to their children, they don’t yell. Of course there are times to speak firmly and there are times where an elevated voice is needed to get someone’s attention but it’s not an everyday occurrence. She broke the cycle.

During our conversation the middle sister, Rachel, listened a lot. Before we were ending our time, she decided to share. Rachel often speaks in an elevated tone, especially when conversations become difficult, or someone cuts her off in traffic. “I’m not embarrassed by the way we were brought up. I’m like my mom. I’m loud. It’s just who we are. If people say they don’t yell, they are lying. Everyone yells. You guys are just better at hiding it. I am comfortable with who I am and my kids are fine.” She has made a conscious choice to continue the cycle.

A few days later, I spoke with Rachel’s ex-husband. He shared that their kids have recently been struggling in school, academically and socially. He feels that their mom yelling at them has played a role in their interactions with other kids and teachers at school. “She is who she is and she doesn’t want to change. She is set in her ways.”

Matching Energy

When you stay calm, they will become calm.

Have you ever watched a child take a mild fall or bump their head? Pretty quickly they are looking at you with big eyes, watching for your reaction. If you walk over to them slowly and reach your arms out to comfort them, without saying much they may slowly cry in your arms as they try to understand what just happened to them. They may also run off and continue playing. Likewise, if you loudly say “Oh no! That must really hurt! Are you okay?” and run over to them quickly, almost in a panic. Their eyes get really big and they start to cry, hard. In these scenarios the child is matching your energy and your reaction to what just happened.

As we grow we learn ways to react and respond by observing our surroundings. We don’t realize it could be any different from what we’ve grown up with. Those realizations don’t come until we are older and our circle of observation expands.        

Clinical counselor Elana Sures explains, “Yelling is something we can do to relay urgency to a kid,” says Sures. “What’s harmful about it, though, is that kids have sensitive nervous systems, and yelling is scary for them. It’s aggressive and intimidating. The facial expressions that accompany yelling are really angry and scary. So when we get the results we want from yelling, it’s because they’re scared and they just want us to stop yelling. It’s not because they actually made a decision to alter their behavior.” If you want to learn some practical tips to change yelling in your house, here is a link to the quoted article from Today’s Parent: bit.ly/4fXgsvg

A few summary points:

• Yelling creates fear in your child and they change their behavior because they want you to stop yelling at them.
• Are we the problem? Yelling often happens because we are trying to control a situation and we feel like we have to raise our voice to try to regain control.
• You are not alone. Close to 90% of parents surveyed admitted to yelling at their kids in the previous year. In families with kids older than seven, almost 100% of parents admitted to yelling.

Written by E. Quinones. This is a true story and reflection from the author, who has asked to remain anonymous under a pen name.