Courtesy photo: Brothers enjoying a beach day in Mexico with their family one year after adoption.
Navigating the sticky situation of reunification
By Momma Kiki
/Re-un-i-fi-ca-tion/ noun
The process of returning a child who has been placed in foster care back to their biological parents or primary caregivers, aiming to reunite the family when it is deemed safe and in the child’s best interest. This process involves careful assessment of the parent’s ability to provide a safe and nurturing environment, often requiring them to complete specific programs or meet certain requirements. It also includes ongoing support and supervision to ensure the child’s well-being after reunification.
/Per-ma-nen-cy Plan/ noun
A plan that determines where a child will live permanently. The plan is created when a child enters the foster care system and considers the child’s needs and best interest. This plan could involve reunification with biological parents, adoption, guardianship, or in some cases, continued foster care. The permanency plan is regularly reviewed and adjusted as needed to ensure it remains in the child’s best interests.
For those of you who are reading an article by me for the first time, this is part of a series of articles written for foster parents, from the perspective of a fellow foster mom. My husband and I have adopted two of our foster children and have legal guardianship over another. Even though our family is now legally ours, the reality is that the lack of reunification with their biological parents has caused immediate strain, confusion, breakdowns and continues to cast a long shadow over their lives. My husband and I came into this lifestyle with the understanding that foster care was meant to be a temporary solution, a bridge back to their families whenever possible. That wasn’t the case for our children. Their bio-parents, despite the State’s and our best efforts, were unable to overcome the challenges that led to their children entering foster care. While adoption was the safest and best outcome for our kids, the pain of knowing they couldn’t return to their biological parents is ever-present.
Courtesy photo: Play time during a respite care visit between a former foster who is now adopted and a foster child spending a week with the other’s family.
In our case, we have three children, all of whom are different ages and experienced the separation and loss of their bio-parents from different emotional stages. Our teenage daughter struggles with anger and resentment since at her age she has the understanding of her situation and can see that her mother did not make an attempt to make the necessary changes to get her back. Our ten year old son, who was then at the age of seven, carries the weight of guilt for the happiness he experiences in our home. He also fears for their safety, being that we know they are and have been experiencing homelessness. Lastly, our youngest, who was just a toddler when he entered foster care, carries the invisible scars of abandonment. As you can see it’s a continuous chain of events and hidden trauma that is triggered from the experiences we have as a family.
I find myself questioning my own feelings, grappling with anger at their bio-parents who caused this pain. But I have to keep reminding myself that these people I’m angry with are my children’s bio-parents, no matter what. I have to keep going back to the notion that this woman carried each of our children, and endured the pain of childbirth three times. I try to honor that, even if it’s difficult. As for their dad, who we often see out on the streets, has always been pleasant to us and has come to terms with admitting that he could not provide for them and understands that we have to be their parents now.
When reunification is not an option, you have to realize that your children have experienced a loss, and will grieve just as if someone close to them has died. Because our kids cannot have safe contact with their bio-parents, we have tried to maintain contact with their extended family – aunts, uncles, cousins and their grandfather. It’s crucial for children to have these connections, there is something about familial relative relationships that helps mend the grief your children have experienced. But these relationships have to be safe and need to have a direct understanding from both sides about what is expected. This includes respecting the boundaries set by the court and the adoptive or guardianship family, as well as ensuring that the interactions are positive and supportive for the child.
Courtesy photo: Annual holiday traditions support children with routine and normalcy in any home, whether it be a foster home or adopted home.
Our experience with fostering extends beyond our own children. We have provided emergency placement care for those children who are in need of an immediate home for a short period of time, and respite care for other foster children. In the last year we have taken in a total of six children, each of the children who we have brought into our home carries a unique story of trauma and loss. Seeing them miss their biological families or primary foster parents is heartbreaking especially when they are so confused. You build bonds with these children, knowing they’ll return to either their bio-parents or to another foster family. But the time you spend with them is important for their journey and you can make a positive impact. When we bring in foster children it’s tempting to let them call us “Mom” or “Dad,” but we always encourage them to call us by our names. We feel that this creates a realistic idea of who we are and eliminates the false sense of permanence that could be harmful. In many cases it gets complex to know who the child is calling or talking about, and creates confusion for the child to understand all these relationships. These simple rules we find helpful as we believe that reunification should always be the goal, whenever it’s safe and in the best interests of the child. However, even when reunification is not possible, maintaining a sense of connection to their past and their family history is vital for a child’s identity and well-being.
So yes, from the outside looking in, our family looks like your everyday happy family, but when you spend time inside this bubble, you begin to see the layers and effects that have taken place due to the trauma endured by our children. Reunification is a complicated process, but it’s a hope that every child in foster care deserves.
Foster Momma Kiki grew up in a loving home right here in Northern New Mexico. A home that openly took in children and teens throughout her upbringing. She learned from her parents the selfless act of caring for others. She currently lives with her husband and their three children who they have recently adopted or are the legal guardians of that are ages 18, 10, and 5. You can reach her at fostermommakiki@gmail.com.