A Balancing Act

When a family member is battling addiction, we are all impacted

By E. Quinones.

As our blended family continues to grow with new relationships and babies being born, the complexities come along, too. I want to focus on a topic that impacts many families, a subject that we often have a hard time talking about: addiction. The dictionary definition of “addiction” is, “The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.” In this article, I am referring to alcohol and drug addiction specifically.

At the beginning of a romantic relationship there is a euphoria. We are under a spell of sorts. There is a sense of newness, excitement, and love. With all these positive emotions swirling, we often see only the parts of the relationship—and of the other person—that we want to see. We don’t focus on the possessive behavior we experienced that one time when they had too much to drink. We don’t focus on the times they were nonresponsive to texts or phone calls for hours or even overnight. We don’t want to think about the times that they were just ‘gone’ overnight

and didn’t fully answer our question when we saw them again—Where were you? We don’t want to see the signs that this relationship may not be the best for us. Sometimes we get out, we move on, and life continues. Other times, we continue to be under the spell, hopeful that things are different than we think they may actually be. We live in a land of denial for a while, until suddenly things have changed and a baby is on the way.

Now, circumstances change for everyone. Now, the family gets involved because it’s not just about you making decisions about your own life. Now, you have brought a new life into the family—my grandbaby. And, you better believe that I’m going to get involved.

I begin to open my eyes to this relationship. I see the arguments. I see the lies. I see the constant drama. I see addictive behaviors. I see the substance use. I see the adults around this beautiful baby swirling out of control. They have been swirling since they were brought into my life, but I didn’t pay much attention before my grandbaby came along. I make deliberate choices to stay close to the parent that I’m not biologically attached to: The mom. I choose to befriend them, to stay close to the grandbaby because I see that the relationship with my son isn’t going to last and this child’s life is only going to be pulled deeper into the out-of-control spiral.

I recognize that this swirling motion didn’t start with this generation. A quick glance at the mother’s family dynamics reveal that drama, addiction, trauma, ACE numbers, and more have been part of this family for generations. It breaks my heart. This isn’t what I wanted for my son. This isn’t what I want for my grandbaby. This was not my choice. But, I do have choices now, and my actions from this point forward are very deliberate.

She says she wants to give this baby a different life than she had. She says she wants to be a better mom than the mom she had growing up. She says that she was hurt so much as a child and wasn’t listened to by her mother. She wants her baby to trust her as she grows. She says she wants to be the mom that she never had. She says a lot, but the actions speak louder than words. The alcohol brings her down. The other stuff helps her to come up. I’m not exactly sure what drugs she’s taking, but she is definitely under the influence of something, often. Somehow she is trying to find a balance to live in.

I feel like I’m sitting at an intersection watching a car accident happening in slow motion. I try to intercede while staying in my lane. I offer help without enabling. I speak with empathy to hopefully help her realize her self worth. I remind her of the words of hope she spoke a few years ago, when the baby was born. I encourage her that she can still be the mom that she always wanted. Unfortunately, today the pull of the addition is stronger than my words, stronger than everything. It’s stronger than the love for her child.

I am grateful that my son has found sobriety and is in a positive, healthy relationship now with another woman. His new wife loves his child and has joined our effort to protect the child from the negative effects from the biological mother’s choicesThis is a blessing that I am extremely grateful for. It’s been hard for her to understand my actions at times. I work to explain that all I have done for the mother is truly for the child. If the mother is sober then my grandchild will have a better life, because after all, she is her biological mother and always will be. My grandchild loves their mother, even through the addiction. I sometimes worry about my grandchild’s future. In those moments, I focus on today. I focus on teaching my grandchild about their own self worth to help build their resilience as they grow older and face their own challenges.

As I walk the line of a grandparent with a beautiful grandchild, and a mother watching their adult child try to navigate a relationship engulfed in addiction, I work to protect the child. I deliberately choose to be involved and engaged. I understand that not everyone chooses this and I respect that, again, we all make our own choices. I work to become educated. I seek out informed professionals. I remain a curious learner because I am not going through the addiction and I don’t know what she is going through. I can’t fully relate and I’m not going to pretend to.

If you, your family, or a family that you know are working to navigate parental addiction, I found a great resource that I want to share with you today: Sesame Workshop has series where Elmo is talking with Karlie about her parental addiction situation. (You can find it at sesameworkshop.org/topics/parental-addiction/) One of the best tools I’ve found to share with my grandchild is this.

The 7 C’s
You didn’t Cause the problem.
You can’t Control it.
You can’t Cure it.
But…
You can help take Care of yourself.
You can Communicate your feelings.
You can make healthy Choices.
You can Celebrate yourself!

If you are in a similar situation, know that you are fighting a good fight for your family member. Don’t give up on that child. They didn’t choose to be born into this lifestyle. Know that you are not alone. Together, we are making a positive difference on the next generation, one baby at a time.

Written by E. Quinones. This is a true story and reflection from the author, who has asked to remain anonymous under a pen name.